BEASTLY TALES

ANTIQUE ANTICS

Hilderbrand Hyde was an Antique Dealer,
It wasn’t that he was old, not an old age feeler,
But that he dealt in furniture that was so,
Always on the lookout, wherever he’d go.
Particularly in country houses where one might find,
A real unknown antique which, could blow one’s mind!
When he made such visits he dressed as a vicar.
He thought that otherwise the price they’d bicker,
And he said also, he was starting a museum for country life,
So that his true intent was not open to strife.
For if the philistine that owned the house
Had an inkling, yes, any nous,
That Hilderbrand was out to make a killing,
On cheaply buying antiques, they’d be unwilling,
To sell the piece in question at a knockdown price,
For Hilderbrand, that wouldn’t be very nice.

When out on visits to farm houses to test his luck
He always drove a large two ton truck,
But mostly left it outside the property gate,
Because VICARS don’t generally drive such a crate.
He arrived at the gate of Broughton Manor,
Walking up the drive to low key the antique seeking banner,
The place was run down, a bit of a dump,
With the owner quite dirty and a real grump.
“I’m here on behalf of the Museum for Country Folk,”
This, of course, was a bit of a joke,
He would say, quietly not wishing a din,
“Would you mind if I have a quick look within,”
“To ascertain whether any furniture old”
“You may be willing to see, to me, sold!”
The grimy owner said this should be alright.
After all, he was a vicar by sight.
“If you want, come right along,”
“But I warn you, I’ll not sell for a song!”

Hilderbrand thought him to be a louse,
But followed him into the house,
Whereupon he saw a most fantastic piece,
Painted many times with white, if you please.
He knew it to be made long ago in the French Nation.
In antique terms, it was a very high station.
Worth at least fifty thousand pounds,
After restoration, and as good as this sounds,
He knew that he must play this deal most well,
And if he did, he’d a fabulous tale to tell.
He said, “That piece, over there, on the right”
“It’s an interesting one that I just might,”
“Be interested in, but only for the Louis fourteen imitation legs.”
“I might pay you two hundred pounds, but it’s the dregs.”
“I’ll saw the legs off, the rest for fire wood.”
“That’s all I can do, it should be understood”
He said, “I left my vehicle outside your gate.”
“I’ll bring it in, to load up, I don’t want to be late.”

So off he went at an exuberant trot,
He felt he had pulled off his plot.
Now, reasoned the dirty property squire with a grin,
He’s a vicar so a tiny car he’ll be in.
And maybe if it won’t fit the commode,
He’ll be off, without buying, he’ll hit the road.
Now, he said he only wanted the legs,
The rest to be chopped up for firewood pegs.
So for £200 I’ll do that for him right now.
Then he’ll have no reason to be at all dour.
So that’s what he did, in a trice,
And when the vicar returned, he wasn’t very nice.
“You blithering idiot, what have you done?”
“You ruined that piece, now I have to run.”
“But you said you only wanted the legs,”
Said the squire, “I chopped the rest into firewood pegs.”
Hilderbrand looked at him like he was mad,
Fifty thousand quid! And it had all gone bad!