NBA Teams As Nations

By Chris Alarie, Adithya Pugazhendi, Alex Siquig, Katie Heindl, Louis Keene, Mark Macyk, John Wilmes, Micah Wimmer, Emily Lever, and Corbin Smith

In these heady days of globalization, nation-states are disintegrating. Once vehicles for peoples’ right to self-determination, they are now reduced to regressive structures enforcing a national identity that many individuals no longer see themselves in. You know what people do use to define themselves these days? That’s right, the answer is brands. Brands are the new unit of personal identity. Sports teams have the ideological and economic power of brands and they bring that bellicose, irrationally partisan spice that we love about nations. Sports teams are carrying forward the true original purpose of nation-states.

Having arrived at this conclusion, the Shocker has determined which NBA team corresponds to which nation. Reprogram your allegiances accordingly, please.

Chicago Bulls — Portugal

They used to rule the world and fucked everyone up, but now they’re not on the scene at all.

Boston Celtics — UK

Often dominant but no swagger, obsessed with past glories, paranoid, and they really don’t like it when you bring up their history with regards to race.

Golden State Warriors — China

Rich, totalitarian, former doormat taking over the world, obsessed with technology and building, creeping everybody out, likely evil.

Los Angeles Lakers — USA

Both are totally done but they don’t realize it and are just holding onto daddy; they can always start a one-sided war if they want to improve their own situation, feel entitled to every other teams’ stars, have a weird relationship that they don’t like to acknowledge with their historical rival who used to dominate them (the Celtics/UK), tamper with other teams, and are both run by guys who used to host TV shows.

New York Knicks — Italy

Objectively cool but super dysfunctional, run by malevolent idiots, constant infighting and sexual harassment scandals, more star power than sense.

Cleveland Cavaliers — Cuba

An outfit that is charming but on the imminent verge of total collapse, sustained by a cult of personality and capable of keeping up some pretty gnarly rivalries.

Utah Jazz — Lebanon

An awesome multi-cultural team in a remote mountainous republican land, where dopeness and diversity somehow exist within terrible circumstances.

Washington Wizards — Russia

Belligerent, not as effective as they think they are, always getting more press coverage than they probably deserve.

Philadelphia 76ers — France

They have a rivalry with UK/Celtics, Macron is Sam Hinkie (#TTP), and they seem nice and glamorous but are actually arrogant and kinda evil.

San Antonio Spurs — Switzerland

The Spurs are Switzerland. Your money is safe with them.

Oklahoma City Thunder — Brazil

They once seemed poised to be a global leader/champion, but now they’ve fallen apart in the most disheartening, fucked up way because of the short-sighted greed of their very right wing leaders/owner.

Los Angeles Clippers — India

Management/successive governments have fucked up intra-team relationships dramatically; their best players/riches consistently get stolen.

Toronto Raptors — Canada

Both are very wholesome and no one pays attention or gives them respect.

Milwaukee Bucks- Hungary

They both just sort of bum you the fuck out and also probably munch on a lot of mysterious stews.

Miami Heat — Germany

Trying to be more modern and chill (Erik Spoelstra) but tortured psycho strongman Pat Riley (Hitler) is actually still looming over everything.

Portland Trail Blazers — Ireland

Never been good but constantly romanticized anyway. Lots of rain and good-naturedly depressed fans/citizens.

Dallas Mavericks — Saudi Arabia

Both present opulent fronts that mask the massive structural issues underneath. Both are ruled by cruel megalomaniacs who constantly court fawning press coverage.

Sacramento Kings — Taiwan

Can’t seem to escape the dominating shadow of China/Warriors and US/Lakers. Sadly unlikely to ever succeed.

Minnesota Timberwolves — Philippines

Thibs and Duterte both seem to revel in doling out punishment to their own players/citizens.

Houston Rockets — Israel

Imagining themselves as saviors of the world but really perpetuating an awful and oppressive hellscape; equipped with dangerous long range weapons.

N̶e̶w̶ ̶J̶e̶r̶s̶e̶y̶ Brooklyn Nets — Montenegro

One of the newest countries. Thought they were supposed to be cool, but you forget about them because of their more famous neighbor.

Charlotte Hornets — Myanmar

Both frequently change their names and try to reinvent themselves while discarding their history. Aung San Suu Kyi is a Nobel Peace Prize winner who is doing nothing to stop or even acknowledge an ongoing genocide against the Rohingya people. Michael Jordan is the Greatest Player of All-Time™ who doesn’t really seem to care how much he sucks as an owner.

Indiana Pacers — Ethiopia

No one outside of their immediate vicinity really cares that much about them but they seem to have been chugging along forever.

New Orleans Pelicans — Kazakhstan

Both get a lot of lazy jokes about the name and are in the shadow of more notorious and illustrious neighbors.

Orlando Magic — Malta

They’re so minor that no one has really noticed that they’re fucking messes.

Phoenix Suns — Greece

They had been doing decently for years but have fallen apart in recent years thanks to foolish austerity measures and seem unlikely to recover anytime soon.

Atlanta Hawks — South Africa

Everybody had an opinion on them in, like, 1989 but not so much anymore. Both have a history of actively alienating/disenfranchising black people in order to appeal to white people.

Detroit Pistons — Chile

Both have a history of coups. And both have gotten screwed because of the interventions of a malevolent outside force (the US government/Blake Griffin).

Denver Nuggets — Serbia

Their popularity can be confusing to outsiders and major powers typically rough them up on their way to more important wars/games, and both are run by conservative control freaks. This choice has nothing to do with Nikola Jokić. Nothing.

Memphis Grizzlies — Mexico

Masks. Wonderful masks.