The Turmeric Mask: a horror story

First and foremost, let me begin by stating that in my defence, I was struggling with a particularly stubborn bout of hormonal acne that month.

It was also the summer, and I didn’t feel like wearing any make-up if I could avoid it.

So instead of heading to the nearest CVS/Target/Sephora to find a solution for the problem, or ordering myself something Korean via Amazon Prime’s godsend same-day delivery, I decided to take the matter into my own hands.

It was 3AM, after all.

So I went online and googled “homemade acne remedy with pantry ingredients”.

After clicking around a few pages, I landed on a website boasting a recipe that was “the Indian woman’s secret for beautiful skin.”

Indian women do have gorgeous, radiant, flawless skin, I thought. And I already had on hand the turmeric, coconut oil and rose water that the recipe called for.

“Come on,” said my adventurous inner blogger, “Let’s try a recipe off the internet. You could write a post about it. What could possibly go wrong?”

I mixed up the ingredients in a small ramequin. Then I headed to the bathroom and applied the resulting paste on my skin.

Then I waited fifteen minutes, turning off the lights in my bathroom, lighting candles, sitting on the toilet seat and relaxing and meditating like I would have at a spa (it’s very important to get the full experience).

After that time, I washed the mixture off my face with a washcloth and lukewarm water, as the website had indicated.

So far, all was well. There was no disaster like what I had feared, of my skin burning or even peeling off à la Meryl Streep in Death Becomes Her.

My skin felt baby-soft and moisturized, and my blemishes seemed to have vanished.

It’s only when I turned on the lights in the bathroom and glanced at myself in the mirror that I let out a horror scream that probably woke up the entire neighborhood.

My skin had turned yellow.

I’m not talking about a faint ochre tint that could be fixed with a little more coconut oil. But bright, solid yellow, all from two small teaspoons of turmeric.

I looked like a cross-breed between a human and a Minion.

After countless panicked text messages to a friend, many yellow-stained tissues, half a jar of coconut oil, and a somewhat-reduced jaundice-like appearance, I decided to sleep on it and deal with it once well-rested (it would probably involve googling “what to do after a turmeric mask stains your skin yellow!).

I dreamed of unidentified yellow flying objects chasing me all night long and woke up to find that my pillowcases (that were dark red at the time) were stained yellow.

So it was time for an attack plan.

I borrowed my twelve-year-old cousin’s Neutrogena grapefruit face scrub that she forgot the last time she stayed over. I hadn’t used that since my teenage years, and that smell brought back some Proust-like memories from middle school! Like that one time when I thought it was a good idea to stuff my bra with toilet paper. I used to get genius ideas even back then, but they’ve evolved (in other words, gotten more dangerous).

I scrubbed my face, rinsed, applied coconut oil, then repeated the process.

Many times.

And then the yellow stains began to fade, leaving my skin pink and irritated (something that was somewhat fixed within a week thanks to diligent applications of my ever-trusted, faithful lavender essential oil).

Morals of the story:

1. There are certain ancestral beauty secrets that do not work for just everyone.

2. When in doubt, stick with sheet masks and lavender essential oil.

3. And whatever you do, don’t try acne remedies off the internet at 3AM.