Networking Events: Where Souls Go to Die

Ah, networking events. Where human beings transform into walking LinkedIn profiles with sweaty palms and fake laughter.

Everyone’s got the same dead eyes, the same plastic grin, the same business card nobody will ever look at again. You stand there clutching your drink, pretending to care about a stranger’s “exciting new project” while your soul quietly detaches from your body and floats away toward the snack table.

You know what networking events really are? Forced small talk for desperate people clinging to the hope that one awkward handshake will magically unlock a “better opportunity.” Spoiler: it won’t. You’ll go home with a pocket full of cards you’ll never email and a head full of half-baked buzzwords you wish you could forget.

Ever notice how everyone there acts like they’re somebody? But nobody’s listening — they’re just waiting for their turn to talk about themselves. The whole room is a circle of “So, what do you do?” and “We should grab coffee sometime!” that never actually happens.

Here’s the truth: if you really had power, you wouldn’t be here swapping LinkedIn QR codes next to a wilted fruit tray. You’d be at home, free from forced smiles, ignoring emails like a king.

I’ve done the dance: suit slightly too tight, handshake slightly too firm, fake chuckle slightly too loud. I left with nothing but a hangover and a new allergy to the word synergy.

So here’s my networking tip: don’t. Stay home. Or go play a game where the rules make sense and nobody tries to sell you a “collaboration opportunity” that somehow always means you do the work, they get the credit.

Networking events: where souls go to die. Be glad you’re alive enough to skip the next one.