The Guardian: Better to Bear Our Pains

The Guardian: Better to Bear Our Pains
Both of Li Yiyun's sons were prodigies. One lived "emotionally," the other rationally, yet both took their own lives in their teens.
Her memoir Things in Nature Merely Grow was recently published. A review in The New York Times notes, "One can’t help but ask: beyond escaping the existential despair common in adolescence, what specific pains drove her sons to suicide? Li selects details from her own story: a childhood in China, her mother’s verbal abuse, a severe depression in her youth, and two failed suicide attempts in 2012 when she was already a mother. Yet she also reveals her attentive mothering, including custom-made breakfasts for her children. I suspect she held high expectations for them, perhaps was overly ambitious on their behalf, and occasionally grew distant as she describes during her worst depressive episodes. But even combining all these factors, a satisfying explanation remains elusive."
How has Li Yiyun endured the loss of two children? She deliberately avoids easy sympathy and rejects cliches about loss and grief.
"I never want to be free of the pain of missing my children; it will haunt my life forever. I refuse to do anything to lessen it, for that would imply it’s a bad thing, a disease or torment," she says.
After the second loss, she knew she needed to return to normal life. She prioritized sleep, hydration, daily exercise, and sticking to a routine—continuing to swim, take piano lessons weekly, and teach at Princeton University. She recommitted to writing, spending two to three hours each morning at her desk, recently completing a draft of a new historical novel about a group of musicians set in early 19th-century Europe.
She has discovered that we can "bear pain better"—being both sad and joyful simultaneously. This realization came to her gradually in recent months. "I feel happy when gardening, reading, writing, listening to music, or walking in the woods with my husband," she says.
"We’re sad, we’re very sad, but we’re not unhappy," she said. "So long as we live, we carry our love for the children, even though they’re not here."