My Mental Health Crisis Was a Blessing in Disguise | I Am Awake Contest Winner

It was the catalyst that set me on the path of self-discovery.

I was never that good at my jobs. I was just an impostor pretending that I was the good and capable employee.

I struggled, even the simplest tasks requiring a monumental effort. Every aspect of the job was draining for my already fragile mental state resulting in frequent breakdowns.

From a young age, things had always been different and difficult for me. I had this constant deep sadness, I later learned, stemmed from undiagnosed autism and childhood depression.

Back then, mental health issues were harshly labeled crazy and considered a liability. The stigma. Revealing my struggles could jeopardize my job.

I needed medical help but then the thought of the medical record impacting job prospects and insurance coverage brought me to a standstill.

Photo by Amirhossein Soltani on Unsplash

Fevers, cramps, any excuse I could come up with — it was all a cover-up for the breakdowns I was trying to hide.

These fabricated illnesses granted me an extra day off, a chance to isolate myself in my room, away from everything.

A temporary respite, but that was never enough. It was like a festering wound that couldn’t heal.

I’d push my well-being aside. I convinced myself I could stretch a little bit more, chasing one paycheck after another.

If everyone else can do it, so can I, I kept telling myself, trying my best to fit in and to erase the perceived flaws that haunted me.

But no matter how I tried, I couldn’t squeeze into that round hole with my edges. Broken ribs, skin scraped raw, I forced myself into it, desperate to fit. I knew the truth: it just wasn’t right.

I kept up with the appearance with a smile drawn in blood across my face for the world to see.

Starting my own business only intensified the need to perform when I invested everything I had into it.

My condition worsened rapidly due to the sudden and constant invasion of privacy from various sources, making it impossible to even have a break.

I pushed myself to the brink, clinging on until the weight of it all became too much. Everything I earned, everything I built, turned into dust.

I couldn’t function properly. I shut myself in isolation. There’s no one that understood what I was going through.

Getting treated wasn’t easy either.

It felt like I was trapped in a fog until my body acclimated to the medications.

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Despite diagnoses for most of my mental health struggles, there were still blank spaces, unanswered questions.

I read and devoured everything that I could find on the subject of mental health issues. A course in the basics provided a starting point for me.

This led to the most significant diagnosis of all: Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). It was the missing piece of the puzzle.

This had shattered years of negativity I had internalized. I wasn’t abnormal, stupid, or lacking effort. I’m simply neurologically wired differently.

A lifetime of burdens — societal expectations, unfounded accusations and self-flagellation — all stemmed from ignorance and misunderstanding.

It felt like a wrongful conviction overturned.

My undiagnosed bipolar disorder was a wild card. While autism made me withdraw, the manic episodes pushed me outwards.

It might have been the very thing that kept me going for a while until it all got out of control.

No one seeks the turbulence of a mental health crisis. But for me, the crisis became the unexpected springboard to the road of self-discovery.

It was an awakening for me.

That wasn’t living, it was just a pathetic charade. Faking it until I make it. I convinced myself that everything will fall in place with money.

The truth was I was running in circles.

My story isn’t unique.

Many are trapped in a relentless cycle for some reason. Seeking comfort in fleeting pleasure like material possessions or even addictions, living in a self-created illusion.

Anything to soothe and numb the ever-growing void within.

We cling to the illusion of security in the status quo. But this comfort comes at a cost, often far steeper than anything we ever gain.

We see it splashed across headlines: celebrities seemingly on top of the world, then crashing down penniless. My experience, though far from glamorous, shared a similar trajectory.

It could happen to anyone.

My story serves as the perfect example of anything and everything that could go wrong with misguided perceptions and misplaced priorities.

I believe that you can do better than me.

You don’t have to follow the same painful path.

That nagging feeling, that whisper in your gut? It’s real. Don’t ignore it.

Take some time to listen. It might be a minor adjustment, a tweak to your routine, or a small change in direction. It could also be a life-altering nudge you never saw coming.

Some underlying issues, like a domino waiting to fall, will eventually topple everything.

Money can’t fix everything.

Note: This is a story that I wrote under a pen name that won the BUHUB “I Am Awake” Contest in July 2024.

While this piece isn't my latest, the problems it addresses—especially the challenge of realizing there’s more to life than just living paycheck to paycheck—are crucial experiences for many today.

I originally wrote this story as a form of therapy and as a personal testament. I wanted to remind myself that I made it through dark times and survived to tell the tale.

Sometimes I'd look back to the past to measure how far I've come, and they frequently serve as a lifeline for me, pulling me out of another dark period.

My hope is that this story can now serve a similar purpose for someone out there who is on the same path.

©Britt H.

Thank you for reading this.

More about the person behind the writing in My Introductory Post