Feeling emotional
Since today morning I am having some weird nervous feeling and thoughts. There is a reason to it. In Dec I am planning to visit the city where I grew up and studied and stayed for the first 15 years of my life. I lived in an orphanage there and the conditions of that place were not very great. There are some good and many not good memories of that place, and after I left that place I never looked back at it again. It's not that I could not go, but somewhere I was finding it uncomfortable to go. I was not mentally prepared. Couple of times I planned and I cancelled, somewhere I had a fear of confronting that place or you can say even accepting that place as a part of my life. And 35 years passed to that.
I have had very mixed feelings all throughout. Some times I had a strong urge and most of the times I never wanted to go back there again. Somewhere I felt it was not about exactly going to that place, but it was about the time. Because I always feel that those years were the darkest ones of my life. I had this feeling that if I would go there it would be like a time travel back in past for me. I have crossed a very long distance from there to where I am right now and somewhere I am scared of those shadows left behind.
While I am disconnected from the place, I am still connected with some of my school friends. One of my friend's daughter wedding is coming up in December and she wants me to be there. I am unable to refuse her and at the same time I am nervous, but this time I have decided to face it. Rather I want to break this ice for myself. If I would not take this step now then probably I would never gather courage again and it may haunt me for the rest of my life. One of the days while I am in the city, I want to visit the place I stayed for so many years and see how it is now. Since morning these thoughts are on my mind, how am I going to react when I step in there, how will I feel when I see all those parts of me where I spent 15 years and left them 35 years back behind to never look back again. I keep thinking about the bed that I slept on and the lockers that I used, the place where I dined and studied. Honestly it's making me go cold and at the same time teary and choked. I just do not understand how will I react, will I break down or will I be ok and my visit would sail smoothly.
I want to go through all of this myself so I am not taking anyone from my family. First I thought I would go with my hubby, but I feel I want to experience all of this just by myself without any interference. So I am deciding to go alone. It's still 2.5 months, but I am sure this is going to play on my head till then. Let's see how this experience goes. It's all going to be dealing with my mind and emotions. Probably I will come to peace with this area of my life which I feel is not yet completely healed.
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When we are little, we often mistake our disciplining by others as something mean that they did, the adults to us. Then if we have any sense at all, we see they were trying to keep us alive and teach us lessons we refused to learn. Yet, you have the beautiful silhouette of a grown woman...ad if you have kids, children, they will drive you nuts and someone must have loved you enough to keep you alive
True, my father loved me the most and he kept me alive
Memories are treacherous: they generate fear and curiosity. At the same time ;-)) I'm not the nostalgic type, but there are some places I've avoided all my life because they weren't good for me once. In most cases, my concerns were unfounded; I've changed so much that memories and fears – and places – can no longer affect me. I guess it's similar for you...
You are right,. In my case I cannot say the place was not good for me, after all whatever it was it supported me for 15 long years. I too have changed a lot and healed all those parts of my life but I feel that there are still some last few layers which need to be peeled off and for that I need to bring closure by confronting it and not running away from it. It keeps coming in my dreams and I know I have to bring a closure to it.