Whispers: shadows in the night.

in Dream Steem28 days ago (edited)

6VvuHGsoU2QBt9MXeXNdDuyd4Bmd63j7zJymDTWgdcJjo1NrV5VPKVyoLEWTBoiyUXWbSGEcNYtu2WbG1VQLGEVKhXxyVajDfkQuHzfoM4MJ7svQyE726KLSeiafoC.jpeg

In the dark shadows of the late medieval times, when superstitions were like gushing blood in our veins, and myths were as common as breathe, rumors of strange darkness filled the atmosphere; the soil was griped in fear as villagers whispered of spirits that roamed the night. The spirits, they said, could cripple the soul, imitate faces, and steal youthfulness itself, leaving behind nothing, but vacuums of what once were.

That night, the storm came screaming over the hills, the earth trembled, trees whirling like never before, the heavy clouds were torn open by lightning. Villagers made shade of what they could find leaving the streets dry and empty. "Who angered the gods?" They wondered.

Sifon, a young girl of 7, alone in her chamber, wrapped herself in a blanket at the corner of her bed, hiding, afraid of the whispers that crawled the corridors. Her heart was restless like the flashy shadows from the lightning. "Mum...mum?", Sifon whispered in fear. She couldn't endure the loneliness. She grabbed her pillow, still wrapped in her blanket, she rushed to her mother's room.

Ann, her mother - a woman of warmth, weary from toil of many years - was already asleep. Sifon slipped into the room and walked near her mother's bed. She murmured, "Mama, I can't sleep. Can I sleep beside you?"
Half-awake, she replied, "yes, darling..." - then froze, for who had been lying beside her since the earlier half of the night? Her breath caught, her eyes widened in realization - the rumors...they've come for my baby!!! Goosebumps sprout over her body.

Her mind racing, slowly, she turned her neck to see who was lying in her blanket. Her blood ran cold - another Sifon lay there with a cold, wide, unnatural smile.

And Suddenly, she opened her eyes, they sparkled like ember. "Run!! Run, Sifon! Ru... Ahhh!!!". Sifon slipped in fear, the creature grabbed Ann on the neck, rolled over and knelt over her thighs, hissing and leaning towards Sifon who had fallen. Lightning struck heavily, revealing the creature's transformation into a beast the mouth could not describe, in flashy images. Its eyes were as dark as ink, one bigger than the other, and its teeth, like the saw fish's. On its hideous face were deep scars - like the ruins of many battles.

"My goodness!! Get the hell away from my wife, you beast!!".
It was Ben - her husband."

He'd left for hunting with his crew earlier that night. Most times, he'd return at late hours. That night, the devastating weather wouldn't let them through with their plan - they retreated.

On getting home, everyone was fast asleep. As usual, Sifon would sleep at the comfort of her mother's nearness on stormy nights, and Ben would always carry her to her room when she had far gone in sleep, before he went to bed. But that night, he decided to take a cup of herbal drink downstairs, reading a scroll beside the fire place, before his bed time.

He slipped in shock as he arrived, Ann's scream got him running hastily to the scene. With vigour, he got up and stretched to his gun, "aaahhhh!!!"....bang!!! He slipped again after the first shot, rushed to his knees and dressed backward hoping to lean on something for balance, with his eyes still locked on the ugly creature.

And before it could recover ...bang!!! Again, Ben delivered a deadly shot through its forehead. A strange wave of silence followed the gun shot, no one could move or say anything. The only thing heard, was a hissing sound of blood splashing through the opened skull of the creature, and slowly... slowly, it fell on its face.
From the corner of the room, the door creaked. Ann in haste, pushed the creature over, sobbing, she ran to Sifon who was standing right there. "My baby...my baby", She hugged her, kissed her forehead, and took a deep breath of relief.

The storm outside had softened, drizzling as if the heavens itself were relieved. Ben lowered his gun, his eyes shaking, he looked at his wife and his daughter. In the hush of the moment, Sifon whispered, "Mama... Papa, are we safe now?". Ben walked over slowly and knelt on one knee, placing a gentle hand on his daughters head. "You're safe now, my little one, you're safe now. Nothing out there can take away what we have here, as long as we're together". He pulled them both into his arms. Ann kissed Sifon once more, and smiled weakly.

Even though the rumors of spirits would never end, as for Ben and his family, the memory of that night was not fear, but of love stronger than whispers, shadows, and storm.

Sort:  
 28 days ago 

Welcome to Dream Steem! I should better say: Welcome to Steem ;-))

I wish you to have a good time and a lot of fruitful contacts (without meeting ghosts ;-))

Thank you!
It feels good to be onboard.

The double-Sifon twist was the standout moment for me, and I liked how the story didn’t stay stuck in horror but moved toward family love and protection.

It’s ambitious in scope (medieval setting, storm, spirits, folklore, action, resolution), and while the language could be polished, the imagination behind it is impressive.

Thank you for your submission :)

 24 days ago 

Could you please give two or three examples of what you mean by 'polished'?

By polished I simply mean that the piece should feel complete and well taken care of. The grammar and sentence flow should be smooth, so nothing pulls me out of the reading.

Now, I am all for creativity and even absurdity — but not when it comes to the structure of a sentence.

It's all about subjectivity, still:

Sifon, a young girl of seven - alone in her chamber. Wrapped in a blanket, she hid in the corner of her bed, afraid of the whispers that crawled through the corridors. Her heart was restless, like the shadows flashing with the lightning.

“Mum… Mum?” Sifon whispered, trembling. She couldn’t bear the loneliness any longer. Grabbing her pillow and still wrapped in her blanket, she rushed to her mother’s room.

Versus

Sifon, a young girl of 7, alone in her chamber, wrapped herself in a blanket at the corner of her bed, hiding, afraid of the whispers that crawled the corridors. Her heart was restless like the flashy shadows from the lightning. "Mum...mum?", Sifon whispered in fear. She couldn't endure the loneliness. She grabbed her pillow, still wrapped in her blanket, she rushed to her mother's room.

--

Hey, I’m no teacher — I just blurt out what I think. In my opinion, that’s at least one way to get a conversation going about what could be done better. ;)

 23 days ago 

I'm no teacher, too.
My intention was to give the author some useful hints by some examples.
As you did. ;-)

Thank you!

 24 days ago 

Very compellingly told!