No One Has the Right to Take Away My Smile Like That
My kind of fun things to do these days involves karaoke sessions with my cats. To be precise, I'd sing, and they'd bear with my awful voice and incoherent lyrics. It's silly, but it's the only time I can truly let my hair down.
I can smile as wide as I want without being self-conscious, or laugh as heartily as I can—though technically I can't do that anymore because it triggers my asthma.
Photo by Brandi Redd on Unsplash
This self-consciousness around my smile and laughter is the courtesy of someone I used to call father: that I am sycophantic and my smile or laughter is servile, that I looked like a dog.
Calling someone a dog in this context is a derogatory term in my culture, not cute or endearing. In the language we are familiar with, it’s dodgy. I am using dog directly in keeping with the full nuance of his exact words.
Why can't I simply smile or laugh because I feel comfortable and enjoy being in the presence of another person.
His anger and ridiculous accusations have affected my adult behavior in many unnoticeable ways. Every time I smile at someone, I become intensely self-conscious, wondering if my smile looks doggy or if that person will think I have an ulterior motive.
I would usually try to maintain a poker face, but based on feedback, it’s more like a sour face or an angry scowl, which was far from what I was trying to project.
This is one of the emotional threads I desperately want to repair.
I want to fix that forced mentality. I wish I could go back to that timeline, to shield my younger self from all those nonsenses.
I am going to take back my smile.
©Britt H.
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Smiling definitely feels vulnerable. I'm sorry you were made to feel bad about it.
I will slowly reprogram myself to change that. Thank you for reading this @dreamgayle
I thought you sing and the cats sing-along 😁
The hardest thing to do: smile, laugh. I can't. It takes too many muscles. You can read my face, no poker face, unless you don't pay attention.
I admit it's not always desirable.
Stop smiling if there's nothing to smile is a good start. Not if it comes to those around you but for you. And you are all that counts.
🤗♥️🍀
I'll repeat it in two points.
First: If you want to change the quality of your life, change the quality of your thinking.
The expectations of others are not our own. We are always the only spectators in the infinite solitude.
Second: We are what we leave in the hearts of others.
I hope they are good things and lots of art.
@Emmabritt
Even if not aware we still leave footprints and impressions behind. I know, since there are people I frequently think of.
It is hard to separate our expectations from those that others have or better forced us into for many years. Not everyone is able to fight a group,
When you mentioned about people you frequently think of, do you dream of them? I miss a friend and my sisters that ghosted me and I dreamed about them a lot.
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I am not sure if I had nightmares, those were more during the day unless I was busy. I did had certain dreams but never in the way I dreamed about certain people. Last night was the first time. Ex of course. I receive a text with a message but saw it like in those lightboxes shops use. I went (who knows where) to have a look at it in big, it was in the news too. Okay, blah blah do you want to marry me.
Good moment to leave LOL Which I did. I believe I met him somewhere while I walked in the dark (Ardennen or so in a small village). I was looking for a way to get out of there, next I woke up.
Years ago I kept a dreaming diary and wrote down every dream in the dark and continued sleeping on till the next. In the morning there were usually a few close to 8 at times. All stories but I translated them and saw the messages. Usually the same messages. I no longer have them.
It's the same for the tarrot card. for long I pulled the same cards.
Can't you contact that friend?
In my case, I tried but couldn't find him. After I decided to give up on him and cut what was left (wel,l I kept the photos) he showed up and left a message, a message I read nearly 2 weeks later (I rarely read notifications at certain platforms and only went to delete all the notifictions).
If I would have replied a bit later he would have deleted his account. LOL
I would say: try to find that friend, it's a good start. I am not so sure about your sisters if it's wise to do that now.
I don't know what you dream but everything we go through and every thought needs room, needs to be thought over and over and our mind and soul don't use a clock. If you don't think at daytime you will at night.
Daytime might be easier, you can change whatever your thoughts are into something creative (throwing with paint is an option).
Do you have other friends or relatives to talk to or better have fun with?
Right. Even when we don't think of it. It's just hidden somewhere in my mind.
I don't think II will want to allow myself to get hurt by the rejection of that friend again- she's been ignoring all my messages for years. I even apologized not knowing what I did wrong.
I have friends that would keep in touch with me but i couldn't interact with them on a deeper level. Most of my close friends now are writers from other countries.
Relatives? I didn't keep in touch with them at all.
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People would always expect something from us. Can't please them all. Life's too short for that.
You will have muscle ache if you suddenly have a lot to laugh about.
I noticed that yesterday LOL