Can't Sleep... ?
I woke up because somebody whisper. At first I think it only dream because I been half drowning in sleep, but then the voice come again, quiet, soft, right near the door. “Mama, I can’t sleep. Can I sleep beside you?” My eyes opened slow, sticky like glue. I seen the shadow of her, my little girl, just stand there.
I mumbled yes. Yes darling. My throat dry and scratch. I rolled just a bit so she could climb, the way she do most nights when nightmares chase. Then I froze like ice broke inside me, cause something ain’t right.
There’s already weight pressed at my side. Heavy but not too heavy, warm. I look down with just my eyes, not moving the head cause I was scared I might see too much. The blanket rise and fall tiny with breath. Someone—something—already in the bed, tucked tight against me.
I don’t remember when she came in earlier. Maybe I forgot? Maybe she sneak in? My brain spun like a broken wheel. Still, the shadow girl by the door not moving, waiting, her face too pale in dark.
I whispered, almost nothing sound, “Then who…” but my lips stop. Cause the thing under blanket open its eyes.
Wide. Not blinking. Just staring at me. And smiling but not smiling right.
I actually wanted to scream but my throat locked shut. My chest felt like somebody sit on it. I thought maybe I am dreaming but the smell of her hair, the one beside me, it was wrong. Not like my daughter hair smell of soap and dirt from garden. This smell sharp, almost metal.
I told myself don’t move. Don’t breathe big. Pretend sleeping, maybe it go away. My girl at the door stepped closer. Her lips trembling. She say again, softer, “Mama, I can’t sleep.” But then both voices, same sound, repeat the words together.
Like two mouths on one song.
I clutched the sheet hard, fingernails bite my hand. I don’t know which one was mine, or if either was. Maybe none. Maybe the real child already gone long ago, replaced, tricking me each night until tonight when two came at once by mistake.
The lamp was just reach away but I couldn’t lift my arm. Afraid of what light might show. Afraid that light make everything real and no turning back.
So I close eyes. Pretend nothing wrong. Pray morning comes fast.
But the whisper stay, at both sides of me, over and over again.
“Mama. Mama. Mama.”
Cc,
@soulfuldreamer
I find your story very well written - the few grammar failures give it even more density in my opinion. You could use this as a stylistic device (with stories that are suitable for that, of course).
;-)
I like how you leaned into the “two presences” angle, the off smell and that whispered “Mama” really do the trick in making it eerie. Some sentences stumble a bit though, with grammar and word flow that feel rough, and that takes away from the tension. The pacing also drags in places because of repeated thoughts. If you tighten the language and let the ending close with one sharp, haunting image, the whole piece will land a lot stronger.
Edit:
Hey @axgustine, I’m sure you’ve seen @ty-ty’s comments under your story. Consider yourself lucky — he’s a sharp mind, and he thinks in ways most of us don’t. If he liked your story, that alone says a lot about its strength.
Quoting him again here:
Dear soulfuldreamer, please don't let me be misunderstood - but in this case I do not agree with you. The fine tuning would in general be a good thing, but not with this shudder-stutter-story. It is very well written in this style, whether intentionally or not.
Not at all...
I'm usually very stubborn with my analysis, but in this case (after reading your comment) I read the story again twice, maybe even thrice.
I admit, I kind of agree with you. It does have a different essence. Maybe I was just too stuck on the wrong grammar (which, in my mind, was deliberate to make it read more human... of course, I could be wrong). But after reading it again following your comment, I did find it very compelling.
And what you said is kind of brilliant.
Okay
I'll take that to mind
Welcome to Dream Steem! Where did you hide so long? ;-))
I've been around 😁
Hello @axgustina-
Two voices, two figures tormenting the woman, without her knowing who is who or if they both come from a paranormal world. A very good idea; anyone would get goosebumps in a situation like this, and they'd still be scared to death.
Thanks for sharing a good story.