I like how you leaned into the “two presences” angle, the off smell and that whispered “Mama” really do the trick in making it eerie. Some sentences stumble a bit though, with grammar and word flow that feel rough, and that takes away from the tension. The pacing also drags in places because of repeated thoughts. If you tighten the language and let the ending close with one sharp, haunting image, the whole piece will land a lot stronger.
Edit:
Hey @axgustine, I’m sure you’ve seen @ty-ty’s comments under your story. Consider yourself lucky — he’s a sharp mind, and he thinks in ways most of us don’t. If he liked your story, that alone says a lot about its strength.
Quoting him again here:
I find your story very well written - the few grammar failures give it even more density in my opinion. You could use this as a stylistic device (with stories that are suitable for that, of course)
Dear soulfuldreamer, please don't let me be misunderstood - but in this case I do not agree with you. The fine tuning would in general be a good thing, but not with this shudder-stutter-story. It is very well written in this style, whether intentionally or not.
Not at all...
I'm usually very stubborn with my analysis, but in this case (after reading your comment) I read the story again twice, maybe even thrice.
I admit, I kind of agree with you. It does have a different essence. Maybe I was just too stuck on the wrong grammar (which, in my mind, was deliberate to make it read more human... of course, I could be wrong). But after reading it again following your comment, I did find it very compelling.
And what you said is kind of brilliant.
Okay
I'll take that to mind