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RE: Whispers: shadows in the night.

in Dream Steem • 28 days ago

The double-Sifon twist was the standout moment for me, and I liked how the story didn’t stay stuck in horror but moved toward family love and protection.

It’s ambitious in scope (medieval setting, storm, spirits, folklore, action, resolution), and while the language could be polished, the imagination behind it is impressive.

Thank you for your submission :)

28 days ago in Dream Steem by
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     25 days ago 

    Could you please give two or three examples of what you mean by 'polished'?

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     25 days ago 

    By polished I simply mean that the piece should feel complete and well taken care of. The grammar and sentence flow should be smooth, so nothing pulls me out of the reading.

    Now, I am all for creativity and even absurdity — but not when it comes to the structure of a sentence.

    It's all about subjectivity, still:

    Sifon, a young girl of seven - alone in her chamber. Wrapped in a blanket, she hid in the corner of her bed, afraid of the whispers that crawled through the corridors. Her heart was restless, like the shadows flashing with the lightning.

    “Mum… Mum?” Sifon whispered, trembling. She couldn’t bear the loneliness any longer. Grabbing her pillow and still wrapped in her blanket, she rushed to her mother’s room.

    Versus

    Sifon, a young girl of 7, alone in her chamber, wrapped herself in a blanket at the corner of her bed, hiding, afraid of the whispers that crawled the corridors. Her heart was restless like the flashy shadows from the lightning. "Mum...mum?", Sifon whispered in fear. She couldn't endure the loneliness. She grabbed her pillow, still wrapped in her blanket, she rushed to her mother's room.

    --

    Hey, I’m no teacher — I just blurt out what I think. In my opinion, that’s at least one way to get a conversation going about what could be done better. ;)

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     24 days ago 

    I'm no teacher, too.
    My intention was to give the author some useful hints by some examples.
    As you did. ;-)

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     27 days ago 

    Thank you!

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