Now I Have to Fight Demons Across All Level of Consciousness

How does one maintain positive thinking in circumstances like mine? I have some coping methods that are almost getting too old and soon won't work anymore.

That I'm so thankful that I can access free treatment because of my disability. It's a relief sometimes to know what it is—the diagnosis—even though most of these conditions will stay with me for the rest of my life, requiring ongoing treatment.

At least everything is proven that I'm not making them up, just like how I've been consistently accused of.

These past couple of weeks have been mentally exhausting, triggered by events that worsened my PTSD. While my sleep is slowly normalizing, it's far from quality rest.

Nightmares spill over into my waking hours, affecting me deeply; the fear continues even when I'm awake. I have perfect reason to be afraid, but it used to be manageable. Now, these nightmares are creating such havoc in my routine.

Does anyone else unfortunately suffer from continuous nightmares of their traumatic experiences, waking up disoriented with such intense feelings that they cry uncontrollably, even knowing it was just a nightmare and they're awake?

Does it make you terrified to go to sleep?

I'm avoiding these people in my waking hours, yet I can't escape them during my sleeping hours. It's worse than being haunted by some ghouls because they transcend all levels of consciousness.

I'm not allowing people into the house, even for repairs. I'd attempt to do everything myself, even plumbing work. I couldn't fix those no matter how many times I tried, and it distracted me from my work, or my attempt at working.

Even trying to earn a few pennies is so difficult.

My anxiety is over the roof now since the trigger, but I'm hoping that this is temporary because it's really exhausting.

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

It's affecting my entire well-being. While I'm not physically exhausted, more often than not, I have this feeling like my legs will give way, and I'll collapse in public.

Like when I'm walking in a mall, I fear I won't make it to the other end. When crossing the road, I see an image in my mind of myself dropping at the zebra crossing.

Maybe it's my anxiety of feeling helpless; deep down I know there's no one I can truly depend on.

I'll probably become one of those statistics where someone passes away, and no one knows until much later, where unpaid bills lead to house repossession and the discovery of my skeleton.

This life is just too dramatic for my weak heart.

I just want to live a boring, ordinary daily routine and not feel like I'm living in Grey's Anatomy. Just like in the drama, there are always climactic and cliffhanger moments of diagnoses and procedures.

The show has been running for 20 years, and my own medical drama is almost half as successful running from 2017 until now and still counting. Phew.

I yearn to travel the world and collecting stamp from each country I visit, just like in the days before 2017. Who would have guessed that now I'm collecting stamps at different medical departments?

With all this, how do I even begin to explain how tired I am? Is being too tired even justifiable?

©Britt H.

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