Mental Health and Relationships: Standards, Fear and Avoidance

Chances are you have read articles or listened to podcasts talking about the nightmare that has become dating and mating in our times, at least in the ”western world.”

A lot of my counseling clients are single. Some as a result of divorce, some as a result of a partner that passed away, many people they say this simply ”haven’t been able to find the right person.”

They come to me, seeking guidance, and I hear a lot of hopelessness as an unspoken backdrop to their requests for help.

Of course, I should make clear that I am not a ”dating coach” nor a matchmaker, but I am quite familiar with the human psyche and the workings of relationships. And I’m sad to say that the real issue here isn’t that ”all the good ones are already taken,” but instead that the primary reason for all this loneliness is impossible standards.

People have long ”lists of requirements” in a partner that pretty much eliminates 99.9% of the people on the planet. And, in many cases, they are completely unwilling to budge – even when I point this out to them.

Beyond that, the sad thing about it is that many of these ”requirements” are not even characteristics that help ensure a strong and happy relationship!

But let’s not linger too long on the well-documented difficulties of the world of single people, but let’s instead examine what often lies below the laundry lists of dealbreakers: A fear of actually getting truly close and intimate with another human being.

Looking for a needle in a haystack and insisting that you’ll settle for nothing short of that exact needle can often be an actual defense mechanism that not only guarantees that you won’t succeed (and thus won’t have to fully expose yourself) but also allows you to remain deeply anchored in the world of victimhood, as I wrote about yesterday.

It can be shocking for people to sit and deeply examine the question ”are you sure you are REALLY ready to be in a relationship?” in response to their laments about not being able to find someone suitable.

Perspective matters! Based on talking to thousands of people across several decades, if you can find a relationship that’s good 80% of the time and not so good 20% of the time it’s almost a 100% certainty that you will not become part of the alarming divorce statistics… unless you insist on carrying your impossible standards into a long-term partnership.

Just to make things clear, I am not advocating that anyone should ”settle” for something suboptimal, just that you be realistic about what you’re expecting!

Thanks for visiting my blog and Bright Blessings to all!

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