RE: What lead me to finally stop trying to kill myself and say "Eh, fuck it".
Thank you for the thoughtful response and you are right I suppose. When I was at my worst I definitely didn't think anyone would care if I died, or even thought they may be relieved. I know that isn't true now.
Losing my best friend was the most pivotal moment of my entire life thus far and it's strange knowing that I would be much worse off were she still alive. We would be enabling one another with binge drinking. I would be not creating art constantly, not writing, not working through my past, and living with abusive people.
Losing her changed everything and though the pain is severe I am honestly dedicated to living fully now, or at least trying to get to a place where I can.
I am definitely going to look for a therapist and am open to meds. I will eventually get my MN id and get medicate. I need to get on that but it's a plan and I am open to trying different people and different meds until I find something that works.
I am also getting a lot better just by writing a lot and creating art and analyzing myself and the reasons I act in certain ways.
That must be painful to recognize how much you and your friend enabled each other. In a way, her death freed you to live.
A lot of the meds suck but sometimes they are part of what's needed, especially if it takes four hours to get out of bed otherwise. If you can run, you might put that into the mix if you aren't doing it already. During a certain period, I would cry as I ran, but it really helped.