Sunday Musings

I had a chat through FB messenger with one of my friends the other day. Well, mainly that's the closest I could get to what others call socil life. It was a rather unremarkably short kind of conversation where one says asks "How are you?" and the other replies "So far so good, how are you?" I'd have completely forgotten about our little chat had she not tipped the topic about me having a second baby. She saying something about me owing it to my kid to give her a sibling. That it could be very sad when she's alone. And that she needs a playmate and such and such.

When I was younger, around 25ish, (maybe even younger) I have always wanted to have a kid of my own. I thought I was already ready. I had a stable job, suffucient savings (or so I thought), the right amount of maturity (oooh, I was so wrong) and all those crazy criteria the world sets as standards of parenthood.

I thought having kids would be so much fun and that it would make me the happiest. And it is really. I never had so much fun like this in my entire existence. And the happiness I feel right now because of this little human is immeasurable. But along with this happiness comes worry and unending what ifs that may or may not happen in the future.

Having a child doesn't simply mean creating an offspring. Well, it is technically. But there's so much in it than just passing along your DNA to a younger version so your existence will continue through them.

I realized now that this little human's entire being wholly depends on what I expose her to. Her thoughts and mindset in the future will somehow always spiral back to how I influenced her. How she sees the world will be a reflection of how I showed it to her. Her attitude, her habits, her reason, her idea of right and wrong, her whole being will depend on how I expose her to the world and how I expose the world to her.

I know I may be overhinking it a bit. Okay, I am overthinking it, I admit. But she will be one of the young generationd who will inherit the earth from us. I put it in myself to train her how to properly treat everything in her surroundings.

What does this have to do with the convo I had with my friend? I couldn't explain to her why I don't wish to have another baby. At least not just yet.

It is a lot simpler to explain that the bills, the tuition fees, the vaccines, the basic necessities would be too much to handle if I'll have to juggle the budget between two adults - me and my husband - a young toddler whose appetite is currently insatiable, let alone add another tiny being who will most certainly rely on me for everything - from its food from inside my tummy up to its growth when it's already out in the world.

Though I only told that latter part to her, both challenges of spawning a new offspring are both giving me the fright enough to cause unnecessary anxiety in my heart.

But of course, I am a believer that there is a stronger force, a higher being that makes things happen here on earth whether we like it or not, whether we planned it or not. Should I be tasked to training another child how to exist in accordance with nature, then so be it. But if I do have a choice, I've got my hands full at the moment, so I'd take a pass on that one for now.