I never connected it...my partner and I have given up a lot of opportunities to be able to stay home with our kids as they grow and homeschool them. I guess that has probably contributed a lot to the feelings of security. I've often wondered what we were doing wrong that he would act out towards us in those ways.

Thank you very much for the insight.

It's just like you said, they meltdown at home but in public outbursts are few, far-between and short-lived.

When we have problems we say 'hey bud, I'm really sorry we're having such a hard time right now, but this isn't a healthy way to deal with our anger, we need to take a short break and calm down. Then, once calmed, we talk about any disciplinary actions.

It doesn't help to discipline while they are busy throwing themselves off a cliff, it just pushes them farther off. You have to de-escalate the situation before you have any potential for a growth-mindset and a positive outcome.