RE: Musings on philosophy and psychology
what you wrote reminded me of my younger self, too. I can vividly remember my feelings back then being a little girl. I noticed that either you are very clever or very beautiful. As I thought of myself of not being pretty in any way (which I actually was but did not see) I decided to become smart. Not realizing that this is not something rebellious but full adaptation into a world which became obsessed to "cognize" itself.
But indeed: I MADE this decision consciously. The next I did when I was 16 I bought myself contact lenses as I realized that my outer looks could be optimized. My very best friend was the most beautiful girl in town (which I thought and many others, too) and I had to compete with her. Being a good learner plus looking good: that were the two ingredients to make open doors. Even my mom (who gave birth to six children) always told me to be a good learner. It never occurred to me that she did not tell me to be a good mother until recently when we talked about my future.
Yes, blondes have more fun, that is for sure when they got brains at the same time but not showing off with that. Well, I did show off. I always wanted people to know that I am smart. I became a man and admired men (the old Greeks, their debating skills etc. etc.). I entered the arena.
I even became so arrogant to wanting my mom apologizing to me for what she had done to me, not seeing that I tortured her almost my entire life for negating her womanhood. But of course, she herself negated it being blind to the fact that she did.
I see that you also are in love with thinking, the same am I. It is somehow a love-hate relationship as the unthinkable cannot be thought only experienced. Still, I try. I really love my thinking realm. I got used to it over decades, that is a habit one cannot give up just so. Even endangering identity.
Psychology & Philosophy are maybe the opponents of Technology and Machinery - they cause and effect themselves. The bigger one gets the bigger the other gets. Of course, they mingle and feed each other ever so often.
Can I interpret you being that annoying you like this little story:
A monk goes to sleep in the sleeping compartment of a train. From next door he suddenly hears a man moaning: "Oh, what am I thirsty. Oh, I'm so thirsty!"
The monk hears his neighbour repeat this several times. At some point he gets up, brings the man a glass of water and lies down. A short time later he hears the man complaining again: "Oh, how was I thirsty! Oh, how thirsty I have been!"
I had to smile to this Zen anecdote and recognized myself in that a lot:)
Sounds like we had similar moms and similar youths! Only I still am not pretty! Too much thinking is crippling! Can't wait for my deadline....when I shall feel extra thirsty for all the thirst I have had.... sigh.