Primitive War (film): Takes itself too seriously and ruins the silly narrative

I have no problem with movies that have completely crazy plots in a way I can appreciate them. Things like Sharknado and Snakes on a Plane are not good films but they manage to be decent because they are just so dumb that they manage to be entertaining.

If Primitive War had approached things that way this might have been ok but it's just so surprising to me that this is genuinely the real plot and it is meant, for the most part, to be taken seriously.

I wouldn't have watched this but Jeremy Piven has a special place in my heart and that is why I gave it a chance. Now that it's in my rearview mirror, I kind of want the 50 or so minutes I wasted on the overall 135 minutes of runtime, back.

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At the start of the film I was not really certain if we are meant to take things seriously because since films about the Vietnam war are so many, the inclusion of CCR music playing while helicopters approach a forward-operating base of sorts indicated that this movie could be going either way. Are they poking fun at the fact that Creedance seems to be mandatory in every single film that takes place in Vietnam or are they trying to make the next great epic film about that really tired and run-through genre? It isn't clear at the start but one thing that is kind of clear, even really early on, is that they do NOT have a huge overall budget for the production.

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As then start to introduce us to what is going on and why the special ops are being called in you start to see some familiar faces including the dude on the left up there. I felt as though he was some sort of goofy character on a show I actually liked called True Blood but wasn't sure. As it turns out that is in fact Jason Stackhouse from True Blood and his real name is
Ryan Kwanten and he is 48. Two things: Dude looks incredible for someone that is nearly 50 and where the hell has he been? I suppose this was meant to carry some weight in the cast because other than him and Piven, this cast is all pretty much unknowns.

Moving forward: The crack team of diverse commandos that of course include a female super-soldier despite the fact that the movie is taking place in 1968 when something like that wouldn't have happened, are heading into the remote jungles of Vietnam to figure out what happened to the Green Berets that were sent there before. When the team arrives they notice large footprints and huge feathers around the area. It isn't long after the movie becomes completely ridiculous.

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I guess they are going for some sort of ill-advised and bizarre crossover between Jurassic Park and any number of Vietnam War epics but even if they did have a lot of money, and they clearly don't, this is a really touch idea to pull off.

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The CGI looks remarkably fake and some of the acting is quite comical because while I have no proof of this, it appears as though they didn't bother with much in the way of having the actors work around any physical objects in the green-screen filled hell room that they must have filmed this with. I say this in the sense that when Gollum was being represented by AndySerkis in the LotR films, Andy was actually there in a suit for a lot of the scenes so that the other actors would have a good idea of where the CGI beast was going to be in the finished product.

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Now obviously I don't think anyone expects a gigantic man to be running around set that is meant to be a T-Rex butin the battle scenes it is just comical how the soldiers just seem to be aiming wherever and not necessarily at the dinosaurs that were put into the scene at a later time.

This had a wonderful opportunity to be intentionally ridiculous but that's not what they do. This is all meant to be taken seriously and I'm afraid that just isn't going to be possible.

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You might be thinking to yourself "well, how bad can it be?" and the answer to that is really really bad.

I mean it is no secret that there are going to be dinosaurs in this film as this is made obvious by the movie poster and any media that has been released to the pubic regarding the movie.

The film likely was never meant to be a box office smash and instead it was determined to be some sort of streaming feature. I certainly hope that was the strategy anyway because the total box-office take was just over $200,000 or roughly Jeremy Piven's hair-transplant maintenance budget for the year.

"My mission is to get my men home, not fight dinosaurs"
- actual line from the film

Like I said, this would have a chance to be something pretty amazing in a sort of Starship Troopers sort of way but instead the dread, the fear, the not so tense tension that they attempt to create in this is all meant to be taken seriously and that is where they made a critical error with this.

I mean, I was watching it and trying to find it funny but since the people who made it all apparently wanted us to be on the edge of our seats with genuine horror, well, they failed pretty badly with that IMO.

Should I watch it?

I can see no real reason why you should and I got duped because Jeremy Piven, who is the only reason why I bothered with the film at all, isn't even in very much of it. I think if you watch the above trailer that you have already seen the best CGI that exits in it but some of the other stuff looks so bad, you have a difficult time imagining how the producers looked at this and though "yep, that looks great, it's a wrap!"

The online reviews of this seem to be mostly trolling with the range varying wildly between 4 and 8 out of 10. I'm not going to tell you to not watch this, but I am someone who loves cheesy films but unfortunately that is not what this is. It is genuinely a serious film that is meant to be an epic story about soldiers vs dinosaurs. Awesome.

For most people this is an easy hard pass. The only people I would suggest watch this are folks that can get some sort of delight out of someone trying something new and failing pretty badly.

_{This is not yet streaming as part of any service but can be rented or purchased on nearly all of them}