I wouldn't worry too much about the syllable counts - this works great as a minimalist piece, even if it does play fast and loose with the haiku tradition :) As you suggest out, and perhaps Guy said, the units of haiku don't really translate as 'syllables', as we use in English, more like sonic units. Hence 3-5-3 is often closer to the original sense of the form. This article really helped me get my head around it!