So despair, my immediate thoughts go straight dark and suicide is first thoughts. The reality is then i look at how it wouldn't take anyhow. Over my lifetime I have attempted suicide several times and should have died but didn't. So the universe isn't done with me yet. After my pity party I try to find the lesson in the despair. There is always a lesson. Birth and destruction are the blocks of life. So what doesn't kill me i learn and greow stronger