Things learned in Retirement

dourick (33)in #retirementlifehumor • 26 days ago (edited)

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The Hilarious Reality of Retirement Life: A Husband's Survival Guide

Welcome to Retirement: Where Every Day is an Adventure (Whether You Want One or Not)

Retirement isn't what the brochures promised. Instead of leisurely golf games and peaceful mornings, many retired husbands discover they've become the family's on-call handyman, errand runner, and designated finder of mysteriously relocated household items.

The Invisible Object Mystery

After 20+ years of storing something in the same spot, wives possess a supernatural ability to relocate items without warning. The result? You'll find yourself downstairs, muttering creative vocabulary while searching for tools that have magically teleported to new dimensions. Pro tip: Your spouse is definitely laughing upstairs.

Communication Challenges in Retirement Marriage

The retired husband's dilemma: You're one floor away when your wife calls, but by the time you climb the stairs, she's moved on to "never mind." Sometimes you'll learn what she wanted a week later—or never at all. It's like playing relationship roulette. - https://www.google.com/search?ved=1t:260882&q=relationship+roulette+retirement&bbid=7450426769271877144&bpid=1657225503343436916

Retirement Cooking Reality Check

Retirement means home-cooked meals—if you're doing the cooking. That fancy pressure cooker your wife bought? Perfect for gourmet dog food preparation. At least you might get to lick the spoon (a small victory in retirement dining). - Sadly, since the original posting of this content last year, both of our beagles ( Minah - 13 and Captain - 14 ) crossed the rainbow bridge. They brought so much joy and are missed very much. - https://www.google.com/search?ved=1t:260882&q=gourmet+dog+food+recipes&bbid=7450426769271877144&bpid=1657225503343436916

The Appliance Expert Expectation

Suddenly, retirement transforms you into a supposed appliance whisperer. Dishwasher problems? You're expected to channel your inner Whirlpool engineer, despite never working for the company or possessing any relevant technical knowledge.

Mastering the Art of Marital Time Management

When arguments begin, cut to the chase: "Is this going to be a 15-minute argument or a 30-minute argument?" It's a retirement communication skill that either defuses tension or accelerates the timeline—your results may vary.

The Post-Meal Power Nap Phenomenon

Retirement brings unexpected gifts: the magical 30-minute post-meal nap that instantly energizes you. Just avoid eating in the car—sleeping at traffic lights raises safety concerns.

"Kimcidents": A Driving Adventure Story
Some retirees enjoy peaceful drives. Others live with spouses who turn every parking pole into a personal challenge. When most people discover car damage, they blame hit-and-run drivers. My wife's honest response? "I must have hit something." Hence the term "Kimcidents" - ( Accidents involving my wife Kim ).

The highway wrong-way driving story speaks for itself: When warned about a dangerous driver going the wrong direction, her response was, "There are hundreds of them." Family members now question whether this was entirely fictional.

Below is the famous "Wendy's Drive Thru" pole my wife, Kim, hit many years ago, and another pole she also hit, which actually took a bit of effort as she had to go over the curb to hit the pole.

New Retirement Driving Rules (Apparently)

Modern driving etiquette has evolved:

Yellow lights mean "accelerate immediately"
One courteous driver equals permission for five more cars
Highway merging followed by 5 mph crawling is acceptable
Stop signs are suggestions
Parking anywhere while running errands ( even in the middle of the street ) is perfectly normal

The Bottom Line

Retirement life is full of surprises, humor, and daily adventures you never expected. From mysterious object relocations to creative driving interpretations, every day brings new stories worth sharing.

Embrace the chaos, laugh at the absurdity, and remember: You're not alone in this hilariously unpredictable retirement journey.

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