Of brushing your teeth three times a day

(Or an attempt at mediocre content, because why not?)

But before I dive into this mediocrity, let’s get one thing straight: who actually brushes their teeth three times a day? I doubt even dentists do. Maybe kids? Though I’m not sure their mothers care that much. I don’t think mine did - she was raising three of us back then. Or maybe she did. Hard to say.

I brush twice daily - morning and night - unless I eat something especially offensive in the afternoon. But honestly, I think the whole “three times a day” thing is just marketing. Use up your toothpaste faster than your paycheck, and boom - you’re back at the store buying more. Excellent business strategy, really.

So maybe just brush twice a day, and use as little toothpaste as possible - whatever the amount, it probably doesn’t matter. I don’t think toothpaste is even that effective. We just don’t want to make our own, so we acquiesce to the convenience of it all. Even the companies know it’s mostly hype... but never mind, I’ll stick to the mediocre integrity of this post.

Moving on.

How should we brush our teeth, by the way?

I know this was meant to be mediocre, but since I’m feeling kind today, I did a bit of research. If you’re curious and want to dive deeper into cleaner teeth and fresher breath, here’s the link to the full article. For now, though, let’s focus on Colgate’s 5 steps for the proper way to brush your teeth:

Step 1: Start with the outer surfaces of your teeth. Take your time! Gently brush upper and then lower teeth. Going tooth by tooth can help you slow down and not miss any spots.

But let’s be real, does it really matter where you start? Outer surfaces, inner surfaces, tongue, soul - whatever. Brush like a rebel. Start with your tongue, or close your eyes and go rogue. Because in this life, if we don’t have the freedom to start brushing wherever we want, what do we have?

Step 2: Tilt your brush at a 45° angle. Brush against the gumline to get rid of any trapped plaque or food debris. Gently move the brush back and forth using short, tooth-wide strokes.

To be fair, this one’s actually helpful. Of course we should mind the gumline - no argument there.

As for “gently”? Uhm. I use an electric brush (because I’m lazy), and it’s basically a tiny jackhammer. But I prefer it that way. It gets me out of dental cleanings more often.

And about that 45° angle? Tilt it however you want. Live a little, I’m begging you.

Step 3: Brush the inner surface of your teeth. Because the insides of your teeth are not as visible, skipping them is tempting –but these inner surfaces are just as vulnerable to plaque. Use a 45° angle to brush back and forth to clean the inside surfaces of the teeth.

Nothing to say here. Please refer to my comments on Steps 1 and 2. I’m still brushing at whatever angle I want.

Step 4: Clean the chewing surfaces of your teeth. Don't forget to use short back and forth strokes to brush the tops of your back teeth, where food can easily get trapped.

Blah, blah, blah… it’s all teeth, isn’t it?

Step 5: Brush your tongue. For fresher breath, brush your tongue to remove odor-causing bacteria.

...and I should probably get that mouthwash too, right?

The next section was all about Tips for Better Toothbrushing, but I think I’ve had enough of the promotions. Besides, what if these tips don’t work? What if, despite all this careful brushing, you end up with only two or three teeth left? Should you still brush them, or just lose hope?

I don’t know. Maybe that would be the day I’d finally follow the 45-degree rule and brush each remaining tooth individually, giving them the attention they deserve. Come to think of it, what would you do if it was just you and your surviving teeth against the world?

This is getting ridiculous, isn't it? And that's exactly the point. Follow these steps if you must, but at the end of the day, nothing truly matters except the joy of brushing at whatever angle feels right. Now, go forth and brush like you are the start of a revolution...

If this post has gotten all over the place (and to be honest, it probably has), I’ll leave you with a bit of wisdom from Whitman.

Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)

Sometimes it’s okay to falter or be chaotic. It’s probably what makes life interesting - like the way you brush your teeth.