Teaching My Daughters to Love Themselves

There is one memory from my childhood that has refused to leave me, no matter how much I try to shake it off.

I remember walking home with a friend after we both went to make our hair. I used hair extensions for mine, but she didn’t. She went quiet, and by the time we reached her house, she was in tears. She told her sisters and her mum that her hair was not beautiful because she didn’t use extensions like I did. I was so young then, but her words pierced me. I felt bad, and our friendship was never the same. She kept giving me attitude, and eventually I stopped going to her house.

At that age, I didn’t fully understand what had happened but the memory stuck with me.

Fast forward to January this year. I took my daughters to make their hair. My younger daughter’s hair isn’t as long as her sister’s, so I added a little extension to give it balance. For my older daughter, we used only her natural hair.

When we got home, the questions began from my older daughter

“Mum, why is my hair not as long as my sister’s?”
“Mum, why didn’t I use hair extensions too?”
“Mum, her hair is more beautiful than mine, isn’t it?”

I felt really bad. It was like watching my childhood replay itself, only this time, it was in my own child.

That day, I made a decision. I would reduce hair extensions to the barest minimum, or even stop them altogether. I don’t want my daughters attaching beauty to whether they wear extensions or not. I want them to love their natural hair, to love their own features. And if they choose to wear extensions someday, it won’t be because they believe their own hair isn’t beautiful.

I also stopped using the word beautiful only when they wear fancy clothes or dresses. I began telling them they are beautiful first thing in the morning, before they brush their teeth, before they change out of pajamas. I want them to grow up knowing that beauty isn’t something they put on. It is something they already carry.

I wish someone had done that for me when I was growing up. I wish someone had taught me that my beauty wasn’t tied to things outside me, that my value wasn’t in hair extensions, clothes, or appearances. But I can’t change the past. What I can do is break the cycle for my children.

So now, every day, I plant this truth in them:

Beauty is not borrowed.
Beauty is not sewn in.
Beauty is not worn.
Beauty is already inside you.

Everything else is just an addition.

I cannot rewrite my childhood, but I can write theirs. Every day, I choose to plant in them what I wish was planted in me, that their beauty is in their smile, their heart, their presence, not in hair extensions or dresses. If they grow up knowing this truth, then I will know I have broken a cycle and started a new one.