My ex, who was eventually diagnosed with a paranoid personality disorder along with narcissism, would tell me I was very naive and "too trusting." He warned me that others would always take advantage of my kind nature and would often criticize my custom of taking people at their word. Not surprisingly, he was the one who ended up taking advantage of me. I was manipulated into leaving my career, my country, my family and friends. The romantic honeymoon period turned into a living hell. Lectures, interrogations, threats, screaming fits in which the man I loved became some other beast I didn't recognize. I ran out of the house with just the clothes on my back when I realized he could kill me while in one of his jealous paranoid rages. I lost all of my savings and a modest inheritance (I still don't know how he spent all of that money), my dignity (I can't even talk about what I did and said in order to stay in that relationship), and I lost my sense of self. I went from being an ambitious, socially active leader to a nervous shell of a person who lives with depression and shame. In less than five years he destroyed me financially, emotionally, psychologically and even mentally. Narcissistic abuse can cause mild brain damage and memory issues so even though I've healed somewhat through therapy and yoga, I am not the bright and quick-thinking person I used to be.
This experience of being in an emotionally abusive relationship with a personality-disordered man taught me people are not what they appear to be. I had never heard of personality disorders, had not known that there are people who are capable of hiding their broken souls behind a human mask and that they exist to hurt others. I have continued to self-isolate since leaving him. I go from home to work to home day in day out. I spend most of my free time reading books or working out to yoga videos and practicing meditation. I'm also on the computer, possibly too often, when I should be going out, making friends, enjoying life. I read James Ultucher and Ryan Holiday for inspiration on how to "uncrap my life" but perhaps the words of a fellow woman warrior would go further.