Art gives me Anxiety.
Art gives me anxiety. How crazy is that?! Something I love doing so much - whether it is in traditional creation or digital illustration, the stage before starting literally consumes me with anxiety to the point where I don’t actually begin. I will go buy a canvas or charge my tablet and the situation will stay like that for days… sometimes even weeks. Lying there, on the table - just waiting to given the attention it was placed there with the intention for, and I just can’t do it.
It is ridiculous really, but it happens every single time. I have probably written about this before too, but perhaps I will continue to do that too - until I gain a depper, or more complete understanding for why this keeps happening.
Don’t get me wrong, I do understand the “why”, but I do not understand why the “why” is there in the first place, lol - Read it again and perhaps it will make more sense, haha! I will try to explain. I understand that it is most likely self doubt, fear of failure or even judgement which causes me to hit a freeze frame wobbly… but I just don’t understand why this “block” is there to greet me every single time I get inspired to create something.
Once I cross over that threshold (and I always do eventually) then everything just flows and moves utterly seamlessly - and in those moments I laugh at myself, telling myself how silly I was and that I need to remember this the next time I hit that brick wall, because it is so unnecessary and really speaking, just a figment of my own internal waffle… but alas, the next time will come around and we start the loop all over again!
Some months back, I grabbed some flowers from the garden and pressed them in one of my late moms old “good gardening” digests from way back when. I have two of them and these “books” which are essentially like old magazines/newspapers on the inside are ideal for pressing. I know my mom agreed because I have found a few of her dried flowers stuck in the pages.
A few weeks back I popped into a local arts and crafts shop and picked up a small stretched canvas for myself. It has been sitting on the bed in the spare room ever since. Okay, that is a lie… it lounged around on the dining room table for about a week before it got downgraded to it’s next destination.
I have always said how much I love Winter days for the productivity which they inspire in me. I don’t know what it is about them… but they do… and today, was one of those days. Overcast, rainy and just the right amount of reason to light the first fire of the season… “emotional fires” my father calls them haha - because us girls don’t need much more than one grey cloud in the sky to warrant the excuse of burning some wood in the fireplace. True story.
So, yes - the fire was lit, the canvas was hauled out of the spare bedroom… along with all my moms paintbrushes, my acrylic pens, a handful of magazines and last but not least… the black gardeners digest with the pressed flowers in it which I was keen to check out for the first time since placing them in there.
In my mind, I know what I want to create, but it is putting it into action that takes the time for me. I like things to be intentional. I want to “experience” every single stage of the creation process and I also want it to feel “connected” to me. I opened the box of my moms old acrylics… stared at them for a moment, scratched through the colours and then decided that nothing there excited me enough to use it. I wanted something more… unexpected. Something more… natural.
So, I grabbed a couple of used teabags, added some more hot water to them and started a little tea stain layering. I was actually hugely grateful for the fireplace and the fact that I could use it to dry in between layers, because our fur child is so damn scared of electronics and the last time I did a huge canvas and would bring the dryer out to speed up the drying so I could carry on painting… he would totally freak out and get all anxious, needy and weird… just like his mother… haha!!! So that is about as far as I have gotten… and then I switched over to come write this - well also the tea was busy drying.
I will likely only carry on with this again tomorrow and here is hoping that I don’t drag myself through the same nonsense all over again just to get going, lol. I will leave the table as messy as it is with everything ready to go. Hopefully this will act as an effective enough deterrent for my negative self-talk! Anyhoo… all that negative nonsense aside… I am looking forward to seeing where this goes!
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Until next time...
Much Love from Country Bumpkinland, South Africa xxx
Jaynielea
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I don't think you're alone in this... The stage fright of a musician or stage actor is probably similar. I've had to deal with two blatant cases of writer's block in my life - without running out of ideas at the time: it just didn't work. And very famous artists have burnt or shredded huge amounts of art or never finished it because they felt it was inferior.
You write that you like the conscious process of creation. That distinguishes you from the spontaneous geniuses who haphazardly grab a brush and paint and plaster a masterpiece on the canvas. By chance. That means your art is work. It is soul. Is thought. Yes, well... Soul and spirit are allowed to take a break. They are already reporting for duty again ;-))
Thank you for this.
...and I suppose you very well could be right. Most likely you are, :)
I really do need to be less harsh on myself. Morning here now and I am staring at that canvas haha!!!!..........
Thank you, wise soul xxx
Your desire to create and experiment is commendable. You're doing great! :) Keep looking for ways to overcome the block and enjoy the process. Good luck with your project and don't forget that every work of art carries its own unique value and beauty. :)
Thank you so much @charter!!! And yes, you are so very right! There is no "right or wrong" and I should not be so hard on myself. I struggled a bit to get going again yesterday... but I did and I am hoping to finish it today! I will probably come back here later to share it with all of you!
Hope you have a wonderful Monday!